Oily Homer -- Triple Agent!

This really happened... way too funny to make up.

I'm at the supermarket buying some things, and I have one of those membership cards to save money, but I used a phony name and address when I got the card because I don't want on their mailing list. I'm also wearing a name tag from my business with my real name on it, and I'm using my girlfriend's debt card to make the purchase. So the girl rings up the purchase, and looks at the name on the card receipt, then the name on the store card printout, and then my name tag. She looks puzzled and says, "Uh, you have three names." And she looks at me, confident I'm about to explain it to her.

I just take my receipts and said with a smile and a chuckle, "Oh, I have LOTS more names than that!" and walked out.

Oily Homer Recycles -- Or does he?

Oily Homer's best friend is a recycler. No, that's not right... He's more of a recycling addict. With my own eyes, I've seen him tear the little plastic window out of a junk mail envelope to separate the plastic from the paper. And before you say, "Oh no he din't", Oh yes he did.

So one day, just to mess with him, I said, "I'm not going to recycle. It's a waste of time." What follows was his shocked response.

Friend: What!? What do you mean waste of time?

OH: Well, I'm just one person. My trash won't make a difference either way.

Friend: But.. but... but what if everyone felt that way?

OH: Oh, I think everyone else should recycle. I'm just not going to.

Friend: But... but... what sort of example does that set?

OH: Hmmm.. You seem to think I have a large following of people that want to emulate me. I assure you, I don't have that much influence on the populace.

Friend: But... but... but... you have to recycle! You just have to!

OH: Ummm... no, no I really don't.

It went on like this, looping back through a few times until Friend just gave up and I suspect vowed to recycle twice as hard to make up for my civil disobedience. All in all, a wonderful way to spend an afternoon.

Oily Homer -- The other white meat!

Here's something that happened to me a few years ago at the San Diego fair grounds... I was in the men's room taking a leak, and a girl poked her head in the door, then looked over her shoulder and shouted, "It's okay, they have doors!" and her and about 6 other girls ran in, each into a stall, and slammed the doors... I looked at the guy next to me, shrugged, and said, "Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go..." We both chucked a bit, and finished our business. When I left and noticed how long the line was for the women's room, I thought, damn, a bunch more of them should use ours...

So anyway, a few years after that, I heard about the exact same thing happening, but this time some guy got all embarrassed or insulted, or whatever and call the police and had the girls arrested! So my question is, how big a nancy boy do you have to be to call the cops because some girl came in the men's room rather than pee herself?

The Peanut and Oily Homer

Okay, maybe I've lived my early life in a barrel... but I can't recall EVER hearing of someone with an allergy to peanuts prior to just a few years ago... and certainly not to the point it would be life threatening... And it's not like we had a shortage of peanuts when I was growing up... I think we lived on them... pb&j sandwiches, candy bars, heck, even plain M&Ms have peanuts in them (really, check the label)

So last night on the news there was a report of a girl dying after kissing her boyfriend who had just eaten a peanut butter sandwich.

I'm not doubting the seriousness of this condition, I just wonder why this isn't something I knew about sooner? I remember hearing about bee sting allergies, and strawberries giving some people hives, and that's about it.. when I was a kid, no one was lactose intolerant, allergic to wheat flour, or killed by peanuts.

Oily Homer's Stupid Neighbor

I really miss not going out as much as I use to, because I don't get to talk to idiots in person. Oh sure, there are plenty of idiots on line, and I talk to a lot of them, but there's something special about talking to them in person. Here's one of Oily Homer's more memorable encounters... and remember, all of this is right off the top of my head... you can't make this stuff up...

This conversation occurred because the cable company people dug a hole outside my house and then a week later came back and dug up the same spot.. The idiot is a neighbor that will remain nameless... and clueless...

Idiot: Hey, they dug up the same spot again!

Oily Homer: Yeah, I see that.

Idiot: Why do you suppose they did that?

OH: Probably got the dirt in upside down and had to fix it.

Idiot: What? That can happen?

(at this point I knew it was going to be a great day)

OH: Oh sure, you don't want to fill a hole up with misaligned soil.. all sorts of things can happen.

Idiot: Like what?

OH: Well, for starters, you can develop geological redistribution fractures in the substrata junctions...

Idiot: Wow, I had no idea...

OH: Oh that's just the beginning... if the hole is big enough, the fractures can escalate the migration spillage shift and then you're just a heartbeat away from tectonic deflection. Why do you think gravediggers spend so much time in college?

Idiot: Gravediggers go to college?

OH: Oh god yes. You can't just let anyone dig holes! Why do you think it's a felony to dig a hole with out a license?

Idiot: What!? Uh... I've dug holes... not many, but a few.

OH: You had a permit from the city though, didn't you?

By this time, it was too much like shooting fish in a bucket so I made an excuse to leave. But I'm sure he's out in his back yard now, checking for tectonic deflection and praying for proper soil allignment.

Oily Homer -- Good to the last drop

Anyone reading this old enough to remember coffee? No, not latte, or capicrapicino, or mochacoccalattafrappacrappa, just plain old coffee.

Try going into a Starbucks and ordering a large coffee. I refuse to play their yuppy games of vente, grande, and whatever else they use for sizes. I order a LARGE, regular, black coffee with as much caffeine as they can fit in their recycled environmentally friendly cups.

You'd think that would be clear enough, but they STILL ask if I want room for milk... I seldom put milk in black coffee, but since most of the clerks at Starbucks have never had real coffee, I can forgive their ignorance.

And who is the idiot that decided coffee needed foam on the top? Foam? I don't even like a lot of foam on my beer, but at least it got there honestly.

Okay, I'm through ranting. I feel better now. Uh, I'm done ranting for now. There will be others, trust me.

Oily Homer keeps on Ranting!

The other day I'm driving down the freeway, minding my own business, when I see an old VW bug in the lane next to me. But my sense of nostalgia was replaced by loathing disgust when I saw the bumper sticker: "Meat is Murder".

Looky here you vegan chuckleheads, Oily Homer's ancestor's fought an uphill battle to the top of the food chain, and no candy assed, excuse me... carob-coated assed prissy idiot is going to equate my dietary choices with murder.
Oh, and for the record, I have friends that are vegetarians, but they practice it in private along with any other disgusting personal habits they may have and don't bother me with it.

Now, if at that moment, I'd had a magic genie in my pants, instead of just being happy to see you, I would have spent one of my wishes for a big piece of steak, fresh from the butcher, dripping with bloody juices. And I would have pulled along side the aforementioned veggie-muncher and watched his horror as I bit off large chunks of steak, tugging and growling like a dog shaking a fresh killed bunny. And I would have watched the tears stream down his vegetable tinged face and smiled with the certain knowledge he was wetting himself.
But instead, not having any raw meat at hand, I pointed to the back of his car and yelled, "Your back wheels are going forward!"

"What dude?"

So I mouthed each word, making it seem vitally important..
YOUR... BACK... WHEELS... ARE... GOING... FORWARD!!!
And of course I used my finger to describe the direction I was talking about.

The look of confused panic on his meat starved face was almost as good as my steak chewing scenario, and as he pulled over to the breakdown lane to check his car I thought to myself, meat isn't murder, but messing with Oily Homer is.

Oily Homer Rants!

Oily Homer is no stranger to food. Food good. But what gets my panties all in a knot these days is how people can't leave food alone. Why does every new flavor that comes along need to be added to everything else? Ranch flavor, Cajun, liver and onions, it doesn't matter what, the flavor de jure winds up in chips, dips, cookies, crackers, ice cream, frozen waffles, and I don't know what else, it all has to be coated with that powdery flavor stuff that sticks to your fingers like nicotine stains.


And if that's not bad enough, they have to go messing with steak. For God's sake, steak is perfect the way it is. Just bloody enough that a good vet could put that cow back together. I don't need 'toppings' on a good steak. I don't need it blacken, crusted, topped, or whatever else you want to call it. And while we are at it, a steak is never, at any stage of cooking, 'golden brown'. That's probably the most overused and inaccurate word in cooking today. Some pastries get golden brown, meat does not. Don't make Oily Homer angry. Not like me when angry. Don't mess with Homer's food.

This is your Oily Homer on drugs.. Any Questions?

Things you don't do on vicodin and beer besides drive and operate heavy equipment.

You don't...

• Do surgery on others, including circumcisions.
  
  
• Authorize surgery on yourself, especially circumcisions. (trust me)
  
  
• Take off your pants in public no matter how good an idea it seems at the time.
  
  
• Buy anything that comes with a payment plan.
  
  
• Respond to any question that contains the words or phrases, "my butt", "look fat", or "my mother".

Oily Homer has some stupid friends

Nobody ever claimed Oily Homer was the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I can tell you I'm not the dullest. A while back, one of my friends bought a Shar Pei puppy. That's one of those wrinkled dogs that looks like he has a small dog in an extra large skin. Cute or ugly, you can get about the same votes either way, but this pile of skin cost my friend $1,500. And because of those skin folds, you have to treat them like babies, washing them daily, powdering their folds, etc. And to top that off, he had to sign a contract in which he promised he would never breed the dog to any non approved dog, that he would indeed breed the dog, and that the dog would be available for inspections by the breeding association. I've known people to adopt babies without that much attention afterwards.

So here's my plan. One of these days my friend will go on vacation, and he'll ask me to watch the dog. When he does, I'm going to get a dog of the same color, only that looks like a... well, like a dog.. And when friend gets home, I'll tell him, "Hey, it took me all day, but I washed your dog in hot water and ironed him, and got all those dang wrinkles out!"

Oily Homer Knows Everything

• An episode for "The Andy Griffith Show" that was suggested but never developed finally introduces Juanita, the waitress at the diner that even Barney could get a date with when Thelma Lu wasn't available. The story reveals that Juanita has a rap sheet for several prostitution and check kiting convictions, and she tries to blackmail Barney by telling him she is pregnant. Andy saves the day after he reminds Barney that he would have actually had to have sex with Juanita to knock her up. In a subplot, Opie sells pictures from Aunt Bee's family album door to door.
  
  
• During taping of the first episode of TJ Hooker, a prop man replaced William Shatner's pistol with a Type II hand phaser. No one noticed the substitution until, during a bank robbery scene, an actor was severely stunned. Four hours of taping had to be redone, and the prop man was fired. The stunned actor made a full recovery.